Category: Humor
I have quite a bit of material that you might find amusing. I just need to get it rounded up and posted. (I had a rather extensive website during an earlier epoch of online technology. The challenge now is to take what I had then and apply the rather daunting learning curve to make it work now)
Perhaps this will suffice to whet your appetite and keep you occupied for a while…
Flynn McGuin, special to Beemerville Banner/Bugle-Blower12:01 PM Beemerville, Kansas. Officer Pete Reload was just settling into his lunch at the Busy Bee Luncheonette when his police radio crackled to life. He was proud of how his radio crackled to life, just like in police novels and TV shows. It used to sound just normal, like a voice over a telephone, but Pete had taken it apart in his workshop one evening after he got off duty and put wax paper over the speaker. Nevertheless, he wasn’t too pleased with the timing. He was hungry and now there was some sort of disturbance behind the Farmer’s Co-op Elevator. By the way, his wife had called, would he please pick up a 40-pound bag of the generic dog food while he was there? This has to be some kind of a joke, Reload remembers thinking. How did she know there would be a disturbance at the Co-op? He thought about his wife, Alice, how her auburn tresses seemed to burst aflame in the summer sun. How they actually did one time when she used her decrepit hairdryer, the one she good-naturedly called “Old Flame-Thrower”, after putting on too much hair spray. She never complained, even though she had pleaded with Pete for months to fix the monster. He threw it away the same day and promised to get her a new one but he never had. And she never complained about his dangerous life as a cop although Pete was sure it had taken years off her life. She seemed proud of his choice to serve others as a law enforcement professional. “Oh Petey, how can you eat donuts all day and still chase me around the bed at night?” she’d kid. His eyes misted over. Pick up a bag of dog food for his long-suffering wife? Sure, he could do that. Here was an expression of thoughtfulness that could start their marriage down the road to healing. But dog food could wait. Thelma Lou had just delivered a steaming bowl of goulash. 12:03 Off-duty volunteer firefighter Clemente Santos, (not his real name) just happened to be driving past the Farmer’s Co-op when he saw something he thought looked suspicious. That wasn’t Bert and Gertie’s boy, or was it? What in the Sam Hill was he doing? Did he work at the Co-op now? Couldn’t be. He should be in school. How old would that boy be by now? Let’s see, how old was he when Gert and Bertie’s son, What’s-his-name, ran off with What’s-her-name, that woman from wherever she came from, and the boy’s mother left the boy with Bert and Gertie and was never seen in Beemerville again? What was the mother’s name? And what’s the boy’s name anyway? Boy, she was a looker! Not the mom, the other woman. Or am I thinking of the mom? So many questions were spinning in his mind… 12:06 Dispatcher, Ernestine Merriweather had just received a second call regarding a disturbance behind the Co-op elevator. This time the caller was clearly distraught. “Ernestine! Listen to me! He’s going to blow us up! He’s not kidding! He’s taken my Walter hostage…” Walter was Myrtle’s cat. (He was apparently severely traumatized by this event and required constant care by a veterinary psychologist for the next three and a half years.) “Hold on now, try to stay calm,” Ernestine responded in a soothing voice. “Try to think happy, peaceful thoughts while I find my paper with what I’m supposed to ask in situations like this… now Myrtle you have nothing to worry about, they went over all of this with me when I first started. Okay, here it is. Everything’s under control. We’re doing everything we can at this end. Now, can you describe what you were doing when you first became aware of the hostage situation?” 12:09 “Could I have some Tabasco® sauce?” Pete asked Thelma Lou. He couldn’t get his mind off Alice. Absentmindedly, he shook shot after shot of sauce into his goulash. “Say, Pete, I know it ain’t none of my business, Honey, but didn’t you just get a call on your radio?” Pete didn’t hear Thelma Lou. His mind was on Alice. He had a mouthful of Tabasco® sauce and it reminded him how Alice used to make him feel. 12:08 Clem O’Donnell (not his real name either) couldn’t shake the eerie feeling he’d had ever since he thought he’d seen Gert and Bertie’s boy behind the Co-op. He tried to remember: what was the boy doing? Make yourself remember, Clem. Make yourself remember! He was standing at the back of the gasoline delivery truck. That’s right, he was turning the valve and it appeared that something was dripping out. What was dripping out? Think! Gasoline. It must have been gasoline. What was he holding? It seemed as though it was something shaped like… a potato?… no… an Aim&Flame®? yes! an Aim&Flame® …or was it a cat? (Actually, it was both: an Aim&Flame® in his right hand and Myrtle’s cat® in his left.) A feeling in Clem’s gut was screaming out that something was not right about this scenario. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. Instinctively he reached for his antacid but for some reason turned on the pickup radio instead. “This is John Wrong in KFDY Mobile Unit 31… make that 41. We have the report of a possible hostage-taking in Boogerville, I’m sorry, that must be… Beggarville. Huh? Beemerville, and I’ll be beheaded that way. We will keep you posted as the situation undevelopes, er, uh unravels. My main concern right now is figuring out where the heck Boomerville is. Back to you, Dan, and again, we’ll keep you up-to-date as the situation deteriorates.” 8:16 PM Howard M. Bushtail had just locked the doors of his Squirrel Emporium when (sorry, wrong story) 12:44 So that’s it! Thought Clem. What’s it? Suddenly, he couldn’t remember what was what. The questions were spinning in his mind again. The mom, the boy, the other woman. Which one was good-looking? Which one had the nervous breakdown? Why is everything I think in italics? Why are those trees going round and round my truck? Spinning, spinning, out of control. Suddenly, he realized it wasn’t just the questions that were spinning…
Epilogue: Today, Clem (Clemente) Gufenheimer (his real name) shares the story of his remarkable recovery with students across the nation. Everywhere he goes he warns his listeners about the dangers of thinking and driving. Pete and Alice have been married now for almost 30 years. Alice credits the “Gas Truck Incident” with changing their marriage forever. “I think the danger Pete was in, the split-second decisions he had to make, and the knowledge that the responsibility for hundreds of lives was on his shoulders made both Pete and me aware of how brief and precious life is and just how much we really mean to each other.” Pete is more modest. It was the dog food,” he claims, “It had a little logo on the bag that said, ‘Pamper Your Pet!’ Well, Alice here has always been my pet, ever since High School. That day I just decided I would love her a little more.” The unsung hero of the story is one Richard Klugmeyer, (real name, except he spells it, “Williams”) driver of the gasoline delivery truck. At exactly 12:59, he awoke from his regular noon-hour nap in the cab of the truck. Unaware of the commotion around him, he simply started the engine and drove off. Somehow he never saw the crowds, the police barricades, the police, sheriff, highway patrol and state trooper cruisers, the S.W.A.T. team, the bomb squad, the helicopters or the press. In fact, he knew nothing of his cool heroism or the danger to his own life until he arrived at his first delivery. There, at the home of farmer Al S. Chalmers, he watched in amazement as his “miraculous escape” was replayed and analyzed on CNN. Richard was honored by the Governor of Kansas for single-handedly saving an entire town and countless lives from destruction. He has since appeared on numerous TV and radio talk shows and plans to write a book. The teenage boy, whose name, by the way, was Tom, (not his real name) promised he would never, ever do anything that stupid again. He was released to his grandparents, Bert and Gertie (a.k.a. Gert and Bertie). He was not charged with any crime. As then-mayor Ronford S. Tittle said, “it’s never been a crime to be stupid in Beemerville.” Tom is now married and the father of eight children. He works in the insurance industry as a specialist in disaster risk assessment. |
The following is an actual email reprinted word-for-word. Below that is the same email with helpful commentary, analysis, and where deemed appropriate, sarcasm, inserted into the text. Editor’s note: In light of the turmoil and human suffering currently occurring in the country previously best known as a haven for scammers, the country name has been fictionalized.
Dear Winner,
We Apologies, for the delay of your payment and all the Inconveniences And
Inflict that we might have indulge you through.
However, we are Having some minor problems with our payment system, this is
Inexplicable, And have held us stranded and Indolent, not having the
Aspiration
to devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments.We Apologies once
again from the Records of outstanding winners due for payment With
{ONLINE CYBER
PROMOTION} your name and Particular was discovered as next on the list of the
outstanding winners who are Yet
to received their payments.
Emails were selected anonymously through a Computer ballot system
from over 35,
000 companies and 70,000 individual E-mail addresses all over the
world and your
e-mail address emerged as the winner of the 11 selected email address. This
program is promoted and sponsored by Orient software corporation (Orient
Networks) in collaboration with The Online Cyber
International.
I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in Square whole
and can be
voguish for your payment is being processed and will be released to
you as soon
as you respond to this letter. Also note that from our record in our
File, your
outstanding winning payment is S$950.215.00 (NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND,
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS).Payment will be made to you in a
certified bank
draft or wire transfer into a nominated bank Account of your choice,
as soon as
you get in touched with.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
E-mail:paul_nelson@live.com
Provide him with the following details, as this will enable him to process and
release of your cash prize without any delay.
Your Full Name:…………………………….
Telephone and fax Numbers:…………………….
Residential Address:………………………….
Your urgent reply will help him process the release of your price money.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
Tel:+44 70457 87366
Will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to you within 7
working days.
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Juan Ramos
Vice President
____________________________________________________________________________________
From: “Mrs. Juan Ramos” <info@winner.com>
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: FINAL PAYMENT NOTIFICATION FOR US$950.215.00
Dear Winner,
Dear Mrs. Juan, “What Are You Doing in [Bamboozleland] With a Name Like That”, Ramos.
We Apologies, for the delay of your payment and all the Inconveniences And
Inflict that we might have indulge you through.
No need to Apologies, even though Inconveniences And Inflict are Insipid Insults to our Intelligence you have Indeed indulged us through a good laugh at your Inane Ineptitude.
However, we are Having some minor problems with our payment system, this is
Inexplicable,
Inexplicable? Payment system not work as intended? No way! I’ve always received my payments from [Bamboozleland], right on time!
And have held us stranded and Indolent,
Indolent — now there’s a rare slip into honesty.
not having the
Aspiration
to devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments.
Don’t feel bad Mrs. Ramos, there’s many a day I don’t have the Aspiration to devote my 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments. But you know what? I do it anyway!
We Apologies once
again from the Records of outstanding winners due for payment With
{ONLINE CYBER
PROMOTION}
Oops! Did you forget to go back and put some phony sweepstakes name between the brackets? Oh, I’m sorry, that is the name and the brackets are for emphasis. Of course.
your name and Particular was discovered as next on the list of the
outstanding winners who are Yet
to received their payments.
Alright, now I’m not laughing. WHO discovered my Particular and just what we’re they doing when they found it?
Emails were selected anonymously through a Computer ballot system
from over 35,
000 companies and 70,000 individual E-mail addresses all over the
world
Don’t you mean a Computer spamming system?
and your e-mail address emerged as the winner of the 11 selected email address.
Don’t you mean 11 million?
This
program is promoted and sponsored by Orient software corporation (Orient
Networks)
Orient Networks — yes, of course, good old Orient Networks.
in collaboration with The Online Cyber
International.
Another household name.
I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in Square whole
and can be
voguish for your payment is being processed and will be released to
you as soon
as you respond to this letter.
Phew! I was so afraid the square peg would never be in Square whole, but now it is!
But I am confused. Is it the square peg or the Square whole that is now voguish for my payment? I need this clarified as soon as possible. Also, if I do respond to this letter… I’m sorry, when I respond to this letter, is it the payment, the square peg or the Square whole that will be released to me?
If I get to choose, I’m kind of leaning toward the Square whole. I have no use for a square peg and the NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS does sound nice, but that “Square whole” has a mathematical ring to it that would seem to imply a theoretically infinite set of possibilities. Yes! That’s the prize I want.
Also note that from our record in our
File,
You have a File?
your
outstanding winning payment is S$950.215.00 (NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND,
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS).Payment will be made to you in a
certified bank
draft or wire transfer into a nominated bank Account of your choice,
as soon as
you get in touched with.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
E-mail:paul_nelson@live.com
I will have my caretaker or one of the orderlies contact Mr. Nelson as soon as I am sufficiently touched.
Provide him with the following details, as this will enable him to process and
release of your cash prize without any delay.
Your Full Name:…………………………….
Telephone and fax Numbers:…………………….
Residential Address:………………………….
That’s it? Name, address, phone/fax and you send the money? Aren’t you concerned some imposter posing as, you know, a supposedly trustworthy person might fraudulently claim to be either me or one of the other 11 million winners?
Your urgent reply will help him process the release of your price money.
Price money? Was that a Freudian slip? I know the “release of your money” part wasn’t.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
Tel:+44 70457 87366
Will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to you within 7
working days.
Whoo-hoo! 7 working days! Let’s see, in [Bamboozleland] they work one day every three years…
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Juan Ramos
Vice President
Best wishes to you, Mrs. Juan Ramos, and to all the honest, hardworking, entrepreneurs of [Bamboozleland].
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For the first 12 Christmasses of our marriage, my wife Susan begged and pleaded with me to compose a Christmas letter so our friends and relatives could stay abreast of our family news. Then, in 1992, the begging and pleading abruptly stopped. That was the year I wrote my first and last Christmas letters. Susan rejected my first effort for no apparent reason, so with great patience and forbearance, I wrote and rewrote, edited, struck out words, and reworded. Personally, I thought the first edition was perfectly suitable for sending out. I had, after all, simply followed the format and tone of most of the Christmas letters I had ever read… ~~~Dear Family, Friends, and Followers, My, what a busy, rich, rewarding, wonderful year we’ve had! Life goes by so fast but we’ve managed to fill it to the fullest. Loren continues to enjoy being one of the top people at his company. This year he received six promotions and a Congressional Medal of Honor. He was named Inventor of the Year for his system that uses satellite tracking to recover missing grocery carts. He continues to enjoy the challenges of quantum physics and occasional chats with Steven Hawkins. Bill Clinton has been calling on him for advice on foreign policy. Loren told him all policy is foreign to him. Bill sounds really excited. Susan has been busy writing her third (!) doctoral dissertation and launching her national chain of lingerie and lawn supply stores. Somehow she still finds the time to plan dinner for fifty and bake cookies for David’s kindergarten class. John has just completed the 300 by 600-foot gymnasium addition to his clubhouse, complete with Olympic size swimming pool. Earlier this year, he signed a deal with Citicorp to lease out the 30th through 37th floors for office space. Tim is now a big third-grader. He drives behind the other two graders on the road crew. (Ha, ha!) We all enjoy humor now and then at our house. Actually, Tim has little time for playing with Tonka toys. His special honors work (through Harvard University) keeps him very busy. He was placed in the program after being ranked third in the world academically among third graders. (We later found out the other two students cheated.) David started kindergarten this fall. It seems like just last summer he was a preschooler! His class got to go to Washington D. C. for a field trip. Next spring they are going to Brussels to get a first-hand look at the European Union. Sarah is a rambunctious two-year-old. She is finally starting to talk – in French, her third language. She learned English at five months and Swahili at one year. One day Loren came home to discover that she had completely disassembled our $14,000 computer! Needless to say, she didn’t get any allowance that week till she had put it all back together. Our pets are all doing fine. Fluffy and Foofoo are looking forward to the holiday season. Sarah’s thoroughbred, Play Dough, won The Preakness and The Kentucky Derby but not the Belmont Stakes. We were so disappointed! The house is so much more enjoyable with this year’s addition of 8,000 square feet. (We were so cramped with only the original 12,000.) Still have the same cars as last year. The “Jag” has been in the shop for occasionally running on only eleven cylinders so it’s probably time to think about trading. We rolled the Rolls so it’s in England right now, being repaired. We’ll most likely fly over there to inspect the job they did before authorizing return shipment. Speaking of flying, we calculated the other evening that between the six of us we’ve traveled a combined total of 43,061 miles this year! Unfortunately, our Far East trip was cut short by a business emergency in Twangpoon, Outer Bangbasherash. Loren has an office there. We were able to stay at the company villa. (The hotels are terrible in Outer Bangbasherash.) Well, enough about us! How are you all doing? Do let us know about your latest exploits, achievements, and acquisitions, and let’s stay in touch! – The Harders~~~
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