The following is an actual email reprinted word-for-word. Below that is the same email with helpful commentary, analysis, and where deemed appropriate, sarcasm, inserted into the text. Editor’s note: In light of the turmoil and human suffering currently occurring in the country previously best known as a haven for scammers, the country name has been fictionalized.
Dear Winner,
We Apologies, for the delay of your payment and all the Inconveniences And
Inflict that we might have indulge you through.
However, we are Having some minor problems with our payment system, this is
Inexplicable, And have held us stranded and Indolent, not having the
Aspiration
to devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments.We Apologies once
again from the Records of outstanding winners due for payment With
{ONLINE CYBER
PROMOTION} your name and Particular was discovered as next on the list of the
outstanding winners who are Yet
to received their payments.
Emails were selected anonymously through a Computer ballot system
from over 35,
000 companies and 70,000 individual E-mail addresses all over the
world and your
e-mail address emerged as the winner of the 11 selected email address. This
program is promoted and sponsored by Orient software corporation (Orient
Networks) in collaboration with The Online Cyber
International.
I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in Square whole
and can be
voguish for your payment is being processed and will be released to
you as soon
as you respond to this letter. Also note that from our record in our
File, your
outstanding winning payment is S$950.215.00 (NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND,
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS).Payment will be made to you in a
certified bank
draft or wire transfer into a nominated bank Account of your choice,
as soon as
you get in touched with.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
E-mail:paul_nelson@live.com
Provide him with the following details, as this will enable him to process and
release of your cash prize without any delay.
Your Full Name:…………………………….
Telephone and fax Numbers:…………………….
Residential Address:………………………….
Your urgent reply will help him process the release of your price money.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
Tel:+44 70457 87366
Will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to you within 7
working days.
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Juan Ramos
Vice President
____________________________________________________________________________________
From: “Mrs. Juan Ramos” <info@winner.com>
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: FINAL PAYMENT NOTIFICATION FOR US$950.215.00
Dear Winner,
Dear Mrs. Juan, “What Are You Doing in [Bamboozleland] With a Name Like That”, Ramos.
We Apologies, for the delay of your payment and all the Inconveniences And
Inflict that we might have indulge you through.
No need to Apologies, even though Inconveniences And Inflict are Insipid Insults to our Intelligence you have Indeed indulged us through a good laugh at your Inane Ineptitude.
However, we are Having some minor problems with our payment system, this is
Inexplicable,
Inexplicable? Payment system not work as intended? No way! I’ve always received my payments from [Bamboozleland], right on time!
And have held us stranded and Indolent,
Indolent — now there’s a rare slip into honesty.
not having the
Aspiration
to devote our 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments.
Don’t feel bad Mrs. Ramos, there’s many a day I don’t have the Aspiration to devote my 100% Assiduity in accrediting foreign payments. But you know what? I do it anyway!
We Apologies once
again from the Records of outstanding winners due for payment With
{ONLINE CYBER
PROMOTION}
Oops! Did you forget to go back and put some phony sweepstakes name between the brackets? Oh, I’m sorry, that is the name and the brackets are for emphasis. Of course.
your name and Particular was discovered as next on the list of the
outstanding winners who are Yet
to received their payments.
Alright, now I’m not laughing. WHO discovered my Particular and just what we’re they doing when they found it?
Emails were selected anonymously through a Computer ballot system
from over 35,
000 companies and 70,000 individual E-mail addresses all over the
world
Don’t you mean a Computer spamming system?
and your e-mail address emerged as the winner of the 11 selected email address.
Don’t you mean 11 million?
This
program is promoted and sponsored by Orient software corporation (Orient
Networks)
Orient Networks — yes, of course, good old Orient Networks.
in collaboration with The Online Cyber
International.
Another household name.
I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in Square whole
and can be
voguish for your payment is being processed and will be released to
you as soon
as you respond to this letter.
Phew! I was so afraid the square peg would never be in Square whole, but now it is!
But I am confused. Is it the square peg or the Square whole that is now voguish for my payment? I need this clarified as soon as possible. Also, if I do respond to this letter… I’m sorry, when I respond to this letter, is it the payment, the square peg or the Square whole that will be released to me?
If I get to choose, I’m kind of leaning toward the Square whole. I have no use for a square peg and the NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS does sound nice, but that “Square whole” has a mathematical ring to it that would seem to imply a theoretically infinite set of possibilities. Yes! That’s the prize I want.
Also note that from our record in our
File,
You have a File?
your
outstanding winning payment is S$950.215.00 (NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND,
TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DOLLARS).Payment will be made to you in a
certified bank
draft or wire transfer into a nominated bank Account of your choice,
as soon as
you get in touched with.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
E-mail:paul_nelson@live.com
I will have my caretaker or one of the orderlies contact Mr. Nelson as soon as I am sufficiently touched.
Provide him with the following details, as this will enable him to process and
release of your cash prize without any delay.
Your Full Name:…………………………….
Telephone and fax Numbers:…………………….
Residential Address:………………………….
That’s it? Name, address, phone/fax and you send the money? Aren’t you concerned some imposter posing as, you know, a supposedly trustworthy person might fraudulently claim to be either me or one of the other 11 million winners?
Your urgent reply will help him process the release of your price money.
Price money? Was that a Freudian slip? I know the “release of your money” part wasn’t.
Mr.Paul Nelson.
Tel:+44 70457 87366
Will effect the speedy release of your cash prize to you within 7
working days.
Whoo-hoo! 7 working days! Let’s see, in [Bamboozleland] they work one day every three years…
Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Juan Ramos
Vice President
Best wishes to you, Mrs. Juan Ramos, and to all the honest, hardworking, entrepreneurs of [Bamboozleland].